Graduation Jokes

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I hope to give you lots of great jokes to use for any purpose. You might want to laugh, make a speech, entertain your friends or brighten up a graduation card. I hope you love them!

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's." These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends. So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus. Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"Noooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."

~ graduation humor ~

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
"Let's try to make this look natural "she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."
The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

~ graduation jokes ~

Why was the headmaster worried?

Because there were too many rulers in school!

~ graduation jokes ~

A student comes to a young professor's office hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
'I would do anything to pass this exam.'
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
'I mean...' she whispers, '...I would do...
**anything**!!!'
He returns her gaze. 'Anything???'
'Yes,... Anything!!!'
His voice turns to a whisper. 'Would you...... study???'

~ graduation jokes ~ graduation jokes ~

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

~ graduation jokes ~

A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says: "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature.

"What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks: "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back to the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plonks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replies, "Well you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

~ graduation jokes ~

After Graduating from High School, David moves away from home to study at University. One of his letters home reads:
Dear Father,
University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear David,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

~ graduation jokes ~ graduation jokes ~

So, there was this mathematician, physicist, and biologist who went into this building and counted to make sure it was empty, because it was set to be demolished.
So they finish up the count and there is nobody inside. They go across the street and wait. After some time, two people enter. A few more minutes pass and three people exit.

The physicist says "We must have miscounted".

The biologist says "They must have reproduced when they were in there".

The mathematician says "All right, when one more person enters, the building will be empty.

~ graduation jokes ~ graduation humor ~

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely, XXXXXXXX

~ graduation jokes ~ graduation jokes ~

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a
smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

~ graduation jokes ~ graduation jokes ~

Question: What flies around the kindergarten room at night?
Answer: The alpha-BAT.

Question: Why did the students study in the airplane?
Answer. Because they wanted higher grades.

Question: What's the best place to grow flowers in school?
Answer. In the kindergarden.

Question: Why did the student eat his homework?
Answer: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"
Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

~ graduation jokes ~ graduation jokes ~ jokes ~

In College Too Long When...

* You consider McDonald's "real food"

* You actually like doing laundry at home

* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends

* It starts getting late on the weeknights

* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party

* You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it

* You'd rather clean than study

* Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal

* Computer Solitaire is more than a game it's a way of life

* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps

* You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark

* You live for getting mail (E-mail included)

* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment

* Prank phone calls become funny again

* It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on

* World War III could take place and you'd be clueless

* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate

* Black lights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth

* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime

* You find out milk crates had so many uses

* Wal-mart is the coolest store

* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday

* You are sitting around making lists about how you know you've been in college too long

~ graduation jokes ~ graduation jokes ~

College Bible - If college students wrote the bible... 

12. 'Blood of Christ' switched from red wine to keg beer.

11. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold!

10. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.

9. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.

7. Paul's Letter to the Romans becomes Paul's E-Mail To: [email protected]

6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

5. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

4. Out go the mules; In come the mountain bikes.

3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.

2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

~ graduation jokes ~ graduation jokes ~

College Majors Suppose you have a professor hold up two apples and asks a class "How many objects am I holding?" you would probably get different responses from different majors like....
Business: Two Juicy, delicious apples that are on sale at my store.

Chemistry: 6x10^30 apple molecules

History: You are holding dinosaur poop

Music: You are holding two objects that if you drop them you will get a D4

Education: Two Apples

Accounting: You are holding one apple because the other one has to go to the government as tax

Psychology: What objects?

Math: You are holding two sets of objects, that take up a finite amount of space called apples.

English: You are holding two lush pieces of fruit, that are nourishing and remind me of my dog Fido. Fido thy sweet fruit. So nourishing in my time of need, you fill me up with......

Art: Two apples (Ha, Ha...Thank goodness for Photoshop. The perfect opportunity to take a picture of the professor and alter the picture so that I have a blackmail photo).

Computer Science: Two apples (I'll take the art major's picture and post it on my website for all to see, and add links so that people could find similar pictures(and I make $)).

~ graduation jokes ~ graduation jokes ~

Three graduates of business, marketing and physical education go on a camping trip. One day a grizzly bear attacks their camp. The marketing and business graduates try and come up with ideas to communicate with the bear or create a strategy to deal with it. They see the physical education graduate putting on her running shoes. They both tell her she cannot out run a bear. She tells them she does not need to out run the bear she only needs to out run one of them!

~ graduation jokes ~ graduation jokes ~

Lastly a few more simple yet effective graduation jokes:

Why did the tomato blush?
A. Because he saw the salad dressing.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
A. Because he didn't have anybody to go with.

“I have to go to the gymnasium to get graduated” said the Senior. “That’s a funny place to graduate” said his friends. “Well, the card says Come To The Graduation Exercise.”

The child took their report card home and showed it to mom. The mother was very disappointed by all the very low grades. “Well look on the bright side” said the child, “you know for sure I don’t cheat.”

A student at graduation is walking across the platform when he falls through a large gap in the wood. His mom, unperturbed, says to everyone sitting near her “its just a stage he is going through”.

Question: Why do cannibals not bother to add numbers. Answer: They always get ate.

Question: What did the math book say to the other math book. Answer: Don’t bother me, I have my own problems.

Question: Which subject are witches good at? Answer: Spelling

Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you peaking at Emma Riley’s exam answers
Student: I also hope you didn’t see me!

Teacher: Why are you talking during my class?
Student: Why are you talking during my conversation?

Question: What’s round and bad tempered? Answer: A vicious circle

Question: How many seconds are there in a year?
A. 12 (Jan 2, Feb 2, Mar 2, etc)

Question: What’s white, fluffy and swings through a cake shop? Answer: A meringue-utang.

2 students idly looking out of a coffee shop on a wet day decide to bet on which of 2 raindrops will make it to the bottom of the window first.
They choose a raindrop each and bet that the loser will buy the coffee and cupcakes. They agree if the raindrops reverse back up the window they will study!

Harry Haddock and Caroline Cod split up just after graduation. Harry thought they were going to be in different streams going forward. Caroline’s dad reassured her there are plenty more fish in the sea.

I hope you enjoy using graduation jokes even just to entertain your friends.

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